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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in pulvis_et_umbra's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, January 3rd, 2009
11:54 am
Stolen From Franski
In 2008 I made no resolutions.  I still don't know what I'm doing with my life.  I've been waitressing and barely supporting myself.   However, I have been supporting myself.  At the end of this month I will return to Smith and, finally, graduate.  I've re-connected with my older sister.  I've tried to focus more on myself and my needs.  In some ways I'm still in the same place I've been for the past several years, and yet, I feel better about myself.  I made better decisions, choices.  I make no resolutions for 2009.  My only promise is to myself: to continue to make choices and decions that will better me.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
i moved out and have been supporting myself; living on my own- well, w/ a roommate.  i moved in w/ someone who i did not know.  i've learned a lot about myself.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i am looking at my last year's lj post. i didn't make any new year's resolutions...so, no disappointments!

i would like to quit smoking and continue to focus on myself and my emotional growth- yes, i know mass is rubbing off on me.  i want to be more stable and make better choices and decisions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
a few cousins or their wives.  luckily, none of my friends. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?
my grandfather died, but i wasnt especially close w/ him though he is a very sweet man.

5. What countries did you visit?
i didnt go anywhere.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
i want to stand up for myself. i want to want more for myself enough to do it.  i want to be proud of myself and my life.  i would also like to continue to grow closer w/ my siblings and spend more time w/ them (i.e. get them to visit me!). 

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
nothing in particular.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Living on my own.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not graduating

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
macular inflammation, two uti's.  nothing major- knock on wood.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
a purple, silk, sheer dress; a new cell phone!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my mother.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
someone who i thought was my friend; my own- allowing myself to be treated like crap instead of standing up for myself- consistently doing so. 

14. Where did most of your money go?
FOOD, booze; coffee shop.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
more and more, my family.  seeing friends; hearing fran's voice for the first time in a year, i think;

16. What songs will always remind you of 2008?
kindred- i think they're called. 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier
ii. thinner or fatter? i think i'm about the same; thinner than in the summer- i got super fat; that's for sure.
iii. richer or poorer? probably richer at least emotionally; monetarily, i'm broke as hell right now, but make decent money at my job.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
saved to travel. travelled. seen more friends; been less lazy. no regrets.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
smoked; things that are bad for my body. let ppl take advantage of me.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
at aunti candy's- my mom's childhood friend- in jersey

21. How did you spend New Years Eve?
i don't know yet. in amherst for certain.  with whom is tbd.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
i've fallen in love w/ amherst. especially amherst in the summer. romantically, i have not.

23. How many one-night stands?
uh....we're getting too personal right now.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Haven't been watching much tv. I do love Eli Stone, though.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

26. What was the best book you read?
Tales of Ordinary Madness- Bukowski

27. What were your greatest musical discoveries?
Does banda music count? And what's the working definition of greatness?

28. What did you want and get?
A job, a teaching certificate, a visa, and several wonderful trips.

29. What did you want and not get?
More time with my family and friends, and perhaps more balance in my life. A stable internet connection at Graciela's house.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Probably the best film I saw was "Codigo de Familia" --I don't remember the title in English-- with Edward Norton.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 23 on a Saturday. I went to Agua Azul with friends to swim, drink beer, and picnic. At night I went to see Adolescentes Orquestra with Santiago, Alberto, and Alberto's girlfriend.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More time with my family and friends.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
"How many combinations of work-appropriate clothes can I make with only two pairs of dress pants?"

34. What kept you sane?
Love and sleep.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
The only person who comes to mind is Barack Obama-- I don't really "fancy" him although he's a handsome guy, but I love hearing about him and his family in the news, and I especially like hearing about him with the words "President Elect" in front of his name.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
North of the border, it was the US election cycle, if that can be called an issue. South of the border it was the various issues related to Mexican domestic policy, especially (in)security and kidnapping, domestic terrorism, and drug trafficking. Blending the two the big issues I'm interested in continue to be immigration policy and border security.

I also learned a great deal about national and international monetary policy this year.

37. Who did you miss?
Far too many people to count.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
There were many:
Ro, Lauren Robertson, Sara O-H, Sylvie, Jennifer, Kaity and Jay, Arturo, Sarah Ross, Justin, Tony, Cesar and his family and his sheep, Michelle, Lindsey, Fabi, Abby, Amy, Extremo, Carlsen, Cesar Valenzuela, and the other fun teachers at IMAC.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
The world economy can be thrown in turmoil by the hubris of a few and the complacence of a great many. Similarly, US government can be thrown in turmoil by the hubris of one (plus his advisers) and the complacence of many who are supposed to be keeping checks on governmental powers. I'm not sure what is the life lesson to be drawn from it all, but there you have it.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Everybody's working for the weekend...
Tuesday, November 28th, 2006
12:30 am
so much to do

it's that time of year where everything for school is due and then there's everything else in life.  life is only demanding if you have desires and expectations.  i've been feeling really.... jealous lately and little ie. unaccomplished and overwhelmed and just bad stuff.  

i've been fighting with and picking fights w/ my bf.  he's the sweetest bf ever, but i just dont see it as forever.  i am trying to light a fire under my ass, to get some ambition and we just dont have the same desires for the future.  i want to be busy and maybe a little stressed and to feel like i'm doing something w/ my life... more importantly, to feel like i'm getting something out of my life.  i dont want to be jealous because "that could be me." i want it to be me doing things and to be proud of myself for having a job and stuff.  ...yea, "and stuff"

so tomorrow is my sister's birthday. she will be 12.  

i think i may buy a 3/4 length coat from the store i work at, a jcrew factory store.  it's similar to the "lady" coat on jcrew.com except much less expensive.  then i will tell everyone ive bought it and to throw money at me for christmas.  the question is, black, camel or red. 

Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
7:47 am

Three minute Management Course

Lesson 1: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small Rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson 1 - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson 2 - Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson 3 - Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your three minute management course


Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
6:20 pm

They may be able to beat me in a race, but I can still hold my breath longer!

-went swimming w/ the sibs and we decided to see how far we could swim above and below water w/o breathing.  i won!  and then, after swimming for a few more minutes, i decided to get out of the pool b/c i was short of breath.  too young for old age to set in... gotta hit the gym when i get back to school.

Thursday, June 23rd, 2005
2:05 am
Kerouac, my next read

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue center light pop and everybody goes "AWWW!"

- Jack Kerouac

Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
9:08 am
Thursday, June 9th, 2005
4:47 pm
summer rain
It's sunny out and it's raining small droplets, but they're coming down in streams.  I'm sitting outside on the porch watching it, smelling it, and feeling the wind pick up then die down and pick up again.  I walked around in it for all of 2 seconds before coming back to just watch.. The sun just came out brighter.  I just looked at my shoulder and thought I had some kind of diseased splotches.. then I realized they're rain drops.... strange how the world works.
Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
12:13 am
stolen frm lw:
every guy should know....Tell her she is beautiful, not hot Hold her hand at any moment even if it just for a second Kiss her on the forehead Leave her voice messages to wake up to Sing to her no matter how horrible your voice is Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with Play with her hair Pick her up, tickle her and play-wrestle with her Sit in the park and just talk to her Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, just tell her jokes Throw pebbles at her window in the middle of the night just because you missed her Let her fall asleep in your arms If she's mad at you, kiss her CUDDLE Bring her Flowers just because Treat her the same around your friends as you do when you're alone Let her take as many pictures of you as she wants Slow dance with her, even if there isn't any music playing Kiss her in the rain
Tuesday, June 7th, 2005
2:40 am
Summer's Here

There's an itchy bump on my forearm indicating that some little mosquito now has enough of my blood to breed more of itself.  First bug bite of the season!

Been seeing the fireflies blinking in the grass.  Finally saw one flying.    They blink on and then off and when they are lit again, they've moved to a whole nother area. 

Smells like  honeysuckle outside.

Friday, June 3rd, 2005
5:14 pm
Something Bigger, Something Brighter

Close my eyes and swallow
Figure out that I am not blind
And broken eared
Just need to disappear
Close my eyes and swallow
Figure out the need to get up out of here

I know, I know, I know, I know
By the look in your eyes it's time to go
We rub our legs like crickets
Kicking cans and stones
Make it electric, make it electric, make it electric, make it electric
I've got to know I'm still alive

Tonight I want to make it real
Close my eyes and feel it ride up my spine
Radiate out my limbs into air
Make it electric, make it electric, make it electric, make it electric
I've got to know I'm still alive

Two knuckles gone, bitten from the thumb
Close my eyes and feel it ride up my spine
Radiate out my limbs into air
Make it electric, make it electric, make it electric, make it electric
I've got to know I'm still alive

Two knuckles gone, bitten from the thumb
Of the digit meant to keep us satisfied
So raise a glass, to those who finish last
And here's to us because we got all night

Close my eyes and swallow
Figure out that I am not blind
and broken eared
Just need to disappear

Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
2:30 am
how cute is this?
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.  You know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Current Mood: content
Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
2:58 am
hot hot heat

you are my only girl, but you're not my owner girl
you are my only girl, but you're not my owner...
talk to me, dance with me, in the spotlight girl
talk to me, dance with me, you're the spotlight girl
so perfect, you paint it, yet so manipulated
so calm and so patient, yet oh so calculated
so safe and comforting, this doesnt feel like flirting
so fun i'm distracted, forgot to keep track of it...
talk to me, dance with me

Monday, May 30th, 2005
3:06 pm
Watching the Ellen Degeneras show.  She, and the audience, dance a lot.  Watching the audeience dance is like watching your mom dance.. cept for some reason, they're all milfs.  i wonder if it's a requisite that you have to dress like a suburban housemom and look like a well groomed milf or at least attempt to look like one to be in her audience. 
Saturday, May 28th, 2005
1:36 am
Thanks, Griddy
Take the SEX IS FOR FAGS Abstinence-Only Pledge
I, [My Name], hereby pledge:

1. To stay massively cool by not having sex. Because only major losers have sex – which everyone knows is only for fags.

2. To never let any slutty girls peer pressure me into touching their vaginas – because vaginas are totally gay.

3. To ignore my raging hormones and burning drive to fondle, suckle, and thrust furiously into a hot gooey pit of creamy-soft fleshy ecstasy.

4. To keep my groinal giblets inside my GAP khakis, and to punch those sweaty bits into submission whenever they percolate with desire.

5. To never spill my sacred "dude milk" – unless it is inside of some hot babe who already married me and took my last name.

I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from:

The regret and guilt caused by the disgusting, squishy act of stupid sex, which is basically like going to the toilet from the front side.

Making retard babies out of wedlock, then having to blow my whole allowance on diapers and a stroller instead of XBox games and Snickers.

Catching a brain-rotting STD like "Finger Herpes" from "feeling up" any nasty dirty girlie holes.

Is it actually possible for one to contract "finger herpes"?  Would one have to have a cut finger to contract finger herpes?  Does this mean your finger would turn raw w/ festering sores?

According to this link abstinence is the only coolness for girls.  If you're thinking of having sex, check these links.  They're a real mood buster.

Friday, May 27th, 2005
10:49 pm
Monkey Face
I just flossed and thought of Ingrid.

Lexi and I went for a short-lived bike ride. I realized just how out of shape I am as we went over a mini-knoll two minutes into the adventure and I said, "Ok, Lexi, I'm tired. Can we go home now?" Going back home was fun :) We flew down the road. I was a little pansy and afraid of sliding on the gravel as we approached the driveway -when not afraid of Lexi running me over.

During dinner Lexi showed me a movie she made w/ Rachie. After we ate my mom took pictures. I made a monkey face and she accidently made three 2 second movies. Then I took a spectacular picture of myself with puffed out cheeks while wearing my glasses.

Cousin and bf yet to arrive.
6:40 pm
ALA's list from 1990-2000

Taken from Fran:

The 100 Most Frequently Challenged Books of 1990–2000 (Out of 6,364 challenges reported to or recorded by the Office for Intellectual Freedom, as compiled by the Office for Intellectual Freedom, American Library Association.)

I crossed off the ones I already read.

Scary Stories (Series) by Alvin Schwartz
Daddy’s Roommate by Michael Willhoite
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
Harry Potter (Series) by J.K. Rowling

Forever by Judy Blume
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
Alice (Series) by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman
My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
The Giver by Lois Lowry

It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris
Goosebumps (Series) by R.L. Stine
A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck
The Color Purple by Alice Walker
Sex by Madonna
Earth’s Children (Series) by Jean M. Auel
The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
Go Ask Alice by Anonymous

Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers
In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak
The Stupids (Series) by Harry Allard
The Witches by Roald Dahl
The New Joy of Gay Sex by Charles Silverstein
Anastasia Krupnik (Series) by Lois Lowry
The Goats by Brock Cole
Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane
Blubber by Judy Blume
Killing Mr. Griffin by Lois Duncan
Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam
We All Fall Down by Robert Cormier
Final Exit by Derek Humphry
The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Daughters by Lynda Madaras
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

Beloved by Toni Morrison
The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton
The Pigman by Paul Zindel
Bumps in the Night by Harry Allard
Deenie by Judy Blume
Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden
The Boy Who Lost His Face by Louis Sachar
Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat by Alvin Schwartz
A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)
Asking About Sex and Growing Up by Joanna Cole
Cujo by Stephen King
James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell
Boys and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
Ordinary People by Judith Guest
American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis
What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Sons by Lynda Madaras
Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
Crazy Lady by Jane Conly
Athletic Shorts by Chris Crutcher
Fade by Robert Cormier
Guess What? by Mem Fox
The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende
The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline Cooney
Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
Native Son by Richard Wright
Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Fantasies by Nancy Friday
Curses, Hexes and Spells by Daniel Cohen
Jack by A.M. Homes
Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo A. Anaya
Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle
Carrie by Stephen King
Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume
On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
Arizona Kid by Ron Koertge
Family Secrets by Norma Klein
Mommy Laid An Egg by Babette Cole
The Dead Zone by Stephen King
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison
Always Running by Luis Rodriguez
Private Parts by Howard Stern
Where’s Waldo? by Martin Hanford
Summer of My German Soldier by Bette Greene
Little Black Sambo by Helen Bannerman
Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
Running Loose by Chris Crutcher
Sex Education by Jenny Davis
The Drowning of Stephen Jones by Bette Greene
Girls and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell
View from the Cherry Tree by Willo Davis Roberts
The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
The Terrorist by Caroline Cooney
Jump Ship to Freedom by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier


I've seen the show Deadzone and I saw the movie American Psycho, but I havent read the books.  Some of this is just strange to me.  I mean, my mom bought me the first V.C Andrews books I read.  I remember reading A Handmaiden's Tale and being embarassed when I returned it and the librarian told me it was a good book.  I think I was a frosh in high school then.  I think that... I am lucky in some ways and that my parents are more liberal than I realized -in some ways.  

Funny anecdote: I think the high school instrumental music teacher read Heather Has Two Mommies to his daughters when he and his wife divorced.. or a book similar to it. 

Monday, May 23rd, 2005
6:52 pm
Apples and Oranges -minus the apples
Today, I started weeding near the pool by myself.  Then Lexi came outside to help me.  Rachie and Ric followed until Rach preferred housework to weeding.  Ric, too, disappeared.  It was just me and my Lexi until she decided to go on the swing.  I joined her and we talked for a little before going inside.  I may or may not have touched poison ivy.  I think I may not be allergic to poison ivy b/c how can you live out here for so long, actually go in the woods once in a while and not ever have gotten poison ivy?  That would be cool b/c I'm allergic to everything else in the world and this would be like the one immunity I have that a lot of people dont.  I talked to Lexi about this and how it doesnt make up for apples.  Since that moment, I've really wanted a Red Delicious apple -as in the one currently in the kitchen.  I guess dinner will have to suffice. *sigh* 

Current Mood: sad for apples i cant have
Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
3:53 pm
the country -home
i was lying outside on the grass near the woods -which is right next to our house- and saw a hawk flying above. birds were chirping and flying from tree to tree. in front of me i could hear something moving around in the bushes. a vehicle made its way up the hill on the road and i listened wondering if it was the schoolbus and my sisters were going to come running and yelling to each other making their way down the driveway -it was farm equipment. then i realized that it's not the norm for farm equipment to be on the road making its way up the hill. very few people walk to their homes from school and look back to see farm equipment slowly and steadily following them when they expect to see a car, minivan. the fact that i can distinguish between a car, farm equipment, and the schoolbus just by listening from my door or even in the house is crazy. there's something called the deerline that i can't see. but the deerline is what hunters use during hunting season i assume. when you look through the woods, if you look closely, there's a line at which all the folliage is gone b/c it's the deer's height and i guess they like leaves at their height.. it makes sense. i guess the point is that i know all these weird things and i dunno.. it surprises me that i know them b/c i take it for granted. i wonder what random things other people know that has to do w/ the area they grew up in.
Monday, May 16th, 2005
2:24 pm
Lots on my mind, but nothing to post...Been dreaming a lot lately b/c I've been sleeping a lot.  Cant wait for the pool to open.  I wanna go to my brother's track meet next week.  Apparently my birthday is coming up soon.  -Weirdness.  20.  I will be a "20-something".  I feel like entering your 20s is a day where you should wake up, no longer a teen and go, "I remember some parts of last night... Wow, that was crazy"... Legally being able to drink.. is like w/e.  But leaving my teens... I'll never live get them back.  The other day, I finally checked my voicemail and I got one from my dad, "Glad to hear you're safe... Dont drink too much, honey...".... I definitely hit 9 on that one. 
Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
11:44 pm
the epidemics
</b></a></span>Reading Fran's lj I was suddenly made aware of how many diseases and such went around Smith campus. I have managed to avoid mono, pinworm, crabs, scabies, and now SARS.  Good to know.

I saw Sirinya today.  She looked really good.  It was so normal to see her.  She's a good conversationalist I think.  She told me I'm not a catty Smith woman... -this makes me happy.  It's like vindication.  No, I'm not totally insane, there are other people out there who understand!  Though Mo's friends are pretty crazy.. man, I love crazy chill people  The Georgetown area of DC is absolutely gorgeous.  The houses are brick and tall and so beautiful.  Everything is brick -Kind of reminds me of the Triangle Shirt Factory story and of how when it burned, the brick building acted as a chimmney- pretty creepy.  ok.. i'm just rambling.
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